Interactive Blog: Link Exchange

Interactive Blog: Link Exchange

Funny Jokes

On Vidai brides father hands a note to

> > > > the groom...

> > > Which read.."Goods once delivered will

> > > > not be taken

> > > back"

> > > Groom gives a note to the father of the

> > > > bride that read.... > > > "Guarantee void if seal is broken"

> > > >******************************************************

> > > Have Sex Daily

> > > Jab Bhi Mili Wo Akeli,

> > > Wo Nahin To Uski Saheli,

> > > Saheli Nahin To Apni Hatheli...

> > > But have Sex Daily.

> > > >******************************************************

> > > What did an impotent man ask the

> > > > sexologist?

> > > Thoda sa to lift kara de, ek nahi baar

> > > > baar kara de.

> > > >******************************************************

> > > Sex is a sensation caused by

> > > > temptation, a man puts

> > > his dicktation into womens ventilation;

> > > > get my

> > > conversation or need a demonstration.

> > > >******************************************************

> > > When a Sardar was asked why he was

> > > > beaten in a public

> > > place, Sardarji said-

> > > "I was in crowded bus and my Photo fell

> > > > from wallet,

> > > so I asked lady in front "madam",

> > > > Please lift sari I

> > > want to take photo."

> > > >******************************************************

> > > What similar things do you prefer in

> > > > your coffee and

> > > your girlfriend?

> > > [a] Both Should be HOT

> > > [b] Both Should be RICH

> > > [c] Both Should be creamy

> > > [d] Both should be able to keep you up

> > > > all night

> > > >******************************************************

> > > What frustrates a Sardar?

> > > When his wife delivers twins & he can't

> > > > find the father

> > > of the second child.

> > > >******************************************************

> > > [Q] What is a Kiss?

> > > [A] A Kiss is an upper preparation for

> > > > a lower invention that will lead to

> > > further penetration in fast

> > > > acceleration that will build next

> > > generation

> > > >******************************************************

> > > "Hey, Mom," asked Johnny "can you give

> > > > me twenty

> > > dollars?"

> > > "Certainly not."

> > > "If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you

> > > > what dad said to the

> > > maid when you were at the beauty shop."

> > > His mother's ears perked up and,

> > > > grabbing her purse,

> > > she handed over the money. "Well? What

> > > > did he say?"

> > > He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you

> > > > wash my socks

> > > tomorrow.' "

> > > >******************************************************

> > > >******************************************************

> > > A little boy walks into his parents

> > > > bedroom to find his mother

> > > on top of his

> > > father, humping up and down.

> > > The mother spots her son and dismounts

> > > > as the boy

> > > leaves the room.

> > > Worried about what her son has seen,

> > > > the mom quickly

> > > dresses and goes to find him in his

> > > > bedroom.

> > > The son asks, "What were you doing to

> > > > Daddy, Mom?" The Mom

> > > replies,"Well,

> > > you know how Dad has a big tummy?"

> > > The boy answers, "Yes he sure does."

> > > "Well, I have to get on it sometimes to

> > > > help flatten it,"

> > > explained Mom.

> > > The boy says, "You're just wasting your

> > > > time, that will never

> > > work."

> > > The Mom is confused, "Why not, son?"

> > > "Because whenever you go shopping, the

> > > > lady across the

> > > street comes over, gets down on her

> > > > knees in the

> > > bedroom, and blows his tummy back up!"

> > > >******************************************************
> > > >******************************************************

>Once Banta Singh attended an Interview.

> >Interviewer : Give me the opposite words.

>Banta Singh : Ok

>Interviewer : Made in India

>Banta Singh : Destroyed in Pakistan

>Interviewer : Good... Keep it Up

>Banta Singh : Bad.... Put it Down

>Interviewer : Maxi Mum

>Banta Singh : Mini Dad

>Interviewer : Enough! Take your Seat

>Banta Singh : Insufficient! Don't take my seat

>Interviewer : Idiot! Take your seat

>Banta Singh : Clever! Don't take my seat

>Interviewer : I say you get out!

>Banta Singh : You didn't say I come in

>Interviewer : I reject you!

>Banta Singh : You appoint me

>Interviewer : ....!!!!!!!

> >**************************************************************

>BEPPO SINGH WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL.

>Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?

>Beppo Singh: 9

>Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?

>Beppo Singh: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the

>figure, the answer is 6!

> >**************************************************************

>Santa Singh applied for an engineering position at an MNC office in Amritsar. Raju from Chennai applied for the same job and both

aplicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test, the results showed that both men only missed one of the questions.

> >The manager went to Santa and said, "Thank you for your interest, >but we've decided to give the job to Raju".

>>Santa: "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. This being Punjab I should get the job!"

>>Manager: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the one question that you got wrong."

>>Santa: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" >>Manager: "Simple, for the question that both of you got wrong, Raju put down 'I don't know' as the answer. And you wrote 'Neither do I'.

>>************************************************************** >>SANTA'S INTERVIEW Santa Singh, who has a bad memory, goes for a job >>interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics.

>>"So, can you tell us your age, please?" Santa counts carefully on >his fingers for half a minute before replying. "Um .. 28." The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the >ice.

> >>"And can you tell us your height,please?" The man stands up and produces a measuring tape from his bag. He then traps one end under his foot and extends the tape to the top of his head. He checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot four!"

> >>This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something that he won't have to count, measure, or lookup.

>>"Just to confirm for our records, your name please?"

> > Santa Singh bobs his head from side to side for about fifteen >seconds, mouthing something silently to himself,before replying, >"Santa Singh!"

> > >>The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks,

>>"What were you doing when I asked you your name?"

> >>"Oh, that!" replies Santa," I was just running through that song, 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear...'"

>>************************************************************** >>ANOTHER CHANCE

>>>Banta Singh has been attending the Singh International Training >>College, a school set up to give the likes of him a chance to make

>>it in the real world. For 10 years, he keeps failing this one class

>>that he needs to graduate: basic math. The administrators want to

>>get him out to make room for new students, but can't just give him

>>the grade. So, they instead decide to ask him a simple math

>>question at the >graduation ceremony in case he fails at exams.

>>If he answers this correctly, he graduates. Sure enough, he fails the class again.

>>But, this time he is called on stage. He is made to stand before everyone and the administrators say, 'Although you lack one class for graduation, we have decided to pass you if you can answer this one question. What is two plus two?' > >>Banta Singh thinks about it for a while and finally says, 'Four.' The whole crowd (Sardars) stands up in objection and demands, 'Please give him another chance!'

> >************************************************************** >>

MERE HAATH MEIN KYA? Once a sardar asks another sardar... Sardar >>#1: Tell me what's in my hand? And if you're right, then I will >>give this button to you. Sardar #2 (Tthinking): No not like this. >>Give me some sort of clue. Sardar #1: Okay! This thing is round in >>shape. Sardar #2 (Again thinking): Many things are round in shape. >>Give me another clue. Sardar #1: This thing has 4 holes in it. >>Sardar #2: I got it. I got it. Sardar #1: Bol to kya hai mera hath >>mein. Sardar #2: Scooter ka paiya. (Wheel of a scooter) > >************************************************************** >>SANTA SINGH'S MESSAGE BOARD Santa Singh was walking on the road and >>paused to read the graffiti on the wall. > It read 'Padne waala gadha.' (one who reads this is an ass) > >>Santa Singh sat on a nearby bench, and after much thought erased it >>and wrote 'Likhne waala Ghadah'. (One who wrote this is an ass) > >************************************************************** > >>BANTA SINGH IN HEAVEN After death, Banta Singh reached the door of >>the heaven smoothly. There he met Saint Peter and he said, 'Well, >>Banta...It is nice to talk to you but we have changed our policy >>these days. I will ask you a question and you need to answer it >>correctly before you go in.' > >>Banta, with lot of self confidence told Saint Peter to go ahead and >>ask him the damn question. Saint Peter - How many seconds are there >>in a year? Banta, after lot of thought, answered,'12'. Astonished >>Saint Peter asked him - But how? > Banta - January 2nd,February 2nd,March 2nd,.......... > > >************************************************************* >>SARDARJI & TELUGU One day a Sardarji talking with his friend....... >>Sardarji: We have to learn Telugu within 6 months or we will not be >>able to communicate with my child. Friend: Is it! Why? Sardarji: We >>have adopted a telugu child and it will start to speak >after 6 months. > >************************************************************** > >>GARY KASPAROV MEETS BANTA Mr Banta Singh is traveling from Moscow >>to Bhatinda. Seated besides >him is Gary Kasparov. Gary asks him whether he would like to play >chess to kill time. > >>Banta: 'Oye Gar(r)y. You think I don't know who you are?. I can't > compete with a world champion' > >>Gary: 'How about if I play left handed ?' Banta: [Think.. Think..] >>'OK!' Banta is demolished in 4 moves... and is very upset >>through-out the rest of the journey. On landing he meets his friend >>Santa Singh. > >>Banta: Hey! You know what! I played Chess withGary Kasparov and he >defeated me inspite of him playing left-handed..... > >>Santa: Oye ullu-de pathey!! He sure did fool you!! You know what!! >>Gary IS LEFT-HANDED!! > >************************************************************** >>CHEATING... Q: How Does a Sardar Cheat the Railways? > A: He buys the ticket but doesn't travel > >************************************************************** >>One day evening a Sardarji starts from office to home with pushing > his scooter manually. He met his friend on the way... > >>Friend: why are you pushing your scooter manually? Sardarji: 'I >>forgot to bring the scooter key from my home. Friend: 'Is it! Then, >>How did you come to office from home in the > morning?' > >>Sardarji: 'I was pushing my scooter from home to office also in the > morning ! >************************************************************** > ek baar ek aadmi ki biwi mar jaati hai. shaam tak log uska kriya-karm kar ke chale jaate hai. > > shaam ko woh aadmi akele baith ek peg lagaa raha hota hai > > tabhi itne mein achanak se baadalon ke garajne aur bijli ke chamakne ki aawaazein aane lagti hain....... > > aur hawaa >>saaaiyaaan-saaaiyaaan kar ke chalne lagti hai.... > > bhayankar >>toofan aane waala lagtaa hai ... > > admi kuch der to bhaunchaakkka >>reh jaata hai ... > > aur phir thodi der mein upar dekh ke, >>mand-mand muskurate huye kehta >hai
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"lagtaa hai pahoonch gayi !!" > > >
A Wish... A man walking along a California beach was deep in >>prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, Lord grant me one wish." >>Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the >>Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all >>ways, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to >>Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your >>request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for >>that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom >>of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, >>but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. >>Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think >>would honor and glorify me." The man thought about it for a long >>time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. >>I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when >>they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean >>when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy." >>The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that >>bridge?"

Funny Facts

Some Funny Facts:

Butterflies taste with their feet.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world'snuclear weapons combined.

On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.

On average people fear spiders more than they do death.

Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating arealready married.

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

Only 1 person in 2 billion will live to be 116 or older.

It's possible to lead a cow upstairs... but not downstairs.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.

The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every yearbecause when it was built, engineers failed to take into account theweight of all the books that would occupy the building.

A snail can sleep for three years.

No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."

Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and earsnever stop growing. - SCARY!!!

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

All polar bears are left-handed.

In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies,including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters onlyon one row of the keyboard.

"Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She wouldstand seven feet, two inches tall.

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

Tricky Equation

Check the following equation please !!!!!!!

Formula for Success!!!

A small truth to make our Life 100% Successful

IF

A B C D E F G H I J K L M
N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is equal to:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15
16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

T h e n :

H+A+R+D+W+O+R+K = 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11
= 98%

K+N+O+W+L+E+D+G+E = 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5
= 96%

L + O + V + E =
12+15+22+5
=54%

L + U + C + K =
12+21+3+11
=47%None of them makes 100%!!!!!!!

............................... ...............................
Then what makes 100% ???
Is it Money? ..... No!!!!!
Leadership? ...... NO!!!!
Every problem has a solution,
only if we perhaps change our
" A T T I T U D E ".

It is OUR ATTITUDE towards Life and Work that makes OUR Life 100% Successful..
A+T+T+I+T+U+D+E = 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5= 100%

So it is our attitude which makes all the difference in achieving success inlife.

Pissed OFF CAT

BEER BELLY

Divorce Porsche

DIVORCE PORSCHE

Dumb Blonde Jokes

No 1. Telling A Blonde Joke

A blind man enters a bar and find his way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6' tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he's a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

No.2 Changing A Light Bulb

Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:

Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.

Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?

Blonde: Yes.

Operator: The power in the house in on?

Blonde: Of course.

Operator: And the switch is on?

Blonde: Yes, yes.

Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?

Blonde: No, it's working fine.

Operator: Then what's the problem?

Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves.

No.3 Blonde Flying First Class.

There is a blonde on a plane to New York. She is sitting in the first class section, but her ticket says that she should be in the coach section. A flight attendant realizes the blonde's mistake and asks her politely to move. The blonde won't move. All she says is, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York."

The flight attendant goes and tells all of the other flight attendants. They all try to persuade the blonde to move, but she won't move. All she says is, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York."

The flight attendants go and tell the pilot about the obnoxious blonde. They tell him the only thing that she says. He puts the plane on auto-pilot and whispers something in the blonde's ear.

Immediately, she gets up and moves to her normal seat. Then the pilot goes back to fly the plane. The flight attendants are all very curious about how the pilot made the blonde move so quickly.

They ask him and he says, "Oh, it was easy. All I had to do was tell her that the first class section wasn't going to New York!"

No.4 Blonde One-Liners

Why can't blondes take coffee breaks? They're too hard to re-train.

What do you call 9 blondes in a circle? A dope ring.

Why can't blondes be pharmacists? Because they can't figure out how to fit the bottle in the typewriter.

What's the definition of eternity? 4 blondes at a 4 way stop.

Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes? "Toe goes in first".

What did the blonde say when she looked into the box of Cheerios? "OH LOOK!!! Donut seeds."

What do you call a blonde with two brain cells? Pregnant with twins.

Three blondes walked into a bar. You'd think that one of them would have seen it.

How do you know there's a blonde secretary working in an office? The boss is always smiling.

Why is a blonde like a mosquito? She starts sucking, you keep slapping her away and she comes back for more.

Why is a blonde like a bowling ball? You finger her three times, you shag her down an alley and she always comes back for more.

Why is a blonde like a tv? A child can turn her on.

No.5 Wrong Way Warning

A blonde was driving down the motorway when her car phone rang. It was her husband, urgently warning her, "Honey, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the M25. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car!" said the blonde. "There's f*ck*ng hundreds of them!"

Ways to Ditch Your Roommate

199 WAYS TO PISS OFF ROOMMATE

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

1. When talking to your roommate, alternate the pitch of your voice.

2. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.

3. Twitch a lot.

4. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.

5. Buy a fish tank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them.

6. Become a subgenius.

7. Pretend to type in the middle of the air. Complain about how slow the computer has been recently.

8. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.

9. Speak in tongues.

10. Move you roommate's personal effects around. Start subtlely. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling.
11. Walk and talk backwards.

12. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the middle of your room. Number them.

13. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, "They're more than meets the eye."

14. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo Man, "Casablanca,") almost inaudibly.

15. Carry an unplugged phone around your room pretending to talk to people.

16. Carry old orange juice around with you everywhere you go.

17. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food.

18. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you are.

19. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of weeks."

20. Move your mouth when you're silent and move your mouth as little as possible when you talk.

21. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened.

22. Eat only lemons. Every five minutes, offer your roommate a lemon.

23. Whenever your roommate turns your way, begin frowning.

24. Smile. All the time.

25. Cover up your mouht before talking to anyone.

26. Write your roommate's name in big print on hundreds of pages of paper. Leave pages all over the room. If he asks about it, say you didn't write it.

27. Hide a bunch of potato chips in the bottom of a trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you.

28. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list of grievances.

29. Apoligze to your roommate. If he asks why, tell him that he should know better than you.

30. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and then look away quickly.

31. Dye all your underwear lime green.

32. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.

33. Buy three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.

34. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse him/her of stealing it.

35. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage due).
36. Leave a marble in your roommate's bed every day.

37. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up. Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks.

38. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse to discuss them.

39. Paint your half of the room black.

40. Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with "Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative.

41. Shave one eyebrow.

42. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate comments, mutter "Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching violently.

43. Put horse radish in your roommate's shoes.

44. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want.

45. Always flush the toilet three times.

46. While you're roommate is there and you are not, secretly order a pizza up to him using his name.

47. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it's an assignment for your primitive cultures class.

48. Give him/her an allowance.

49. Listen to radio static.

50. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as soon as you wake up.

51. Cry a lot.

52. Send secret admirer notes on your roommate's Email.

53. Talk to yourself loudly in front of your roommate. After a while, begin discussing your roommate with yourself.

54. Complain of having a terrible virus in your system and cough at your roommate frequently.

55. Tell your roommate that it's your birthday--every day.

56. If you get in before your roomate, go to sleep in his/her bed.

57. Take your roommate's pillow and put a water ballon inside of it.

58. Play blackjack with yourself and scream loudly about your losses when you bust.

59. If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change the locks.

60. Find out your roommate's post office box code. Open it and take his/her mail. Do this for one month. After that, send the mail to him/her by UPS.

61. Create an imaginary cat for a pet. Talk to it every night, act like you're holding it, keep a litter box under your desk. After two weeks, say that your cat is missing. Put up signs in your dorm, blame your roommate.

62. Call safety and security whenever your roommate turns up his/her music.
63. Follow him/her around on weekends.

64. Sit on the floor and talk to the wall.

65. Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door.

66. Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.

67. Whenever your roommate is walking through the room, bump into him/her.
68. Stare at your roommate for five minutes out of every hour. Don't say anything, just stare.

69. Tell your roommate that someone called and said that it was really important but you can't remember who it was.

70. Let mice loose in his/her room.

71. Give each of your walls a different name. Whenever you can't answer a problem, ask each of your walls. Write down their responses, then ask your ceiling for the final answer. Complain to your roommate that you don't trust your ceiling.

72. Take your roommate's papers and hand them in as your own.

73. Skip to the bathroom.

74. Take all of your roommate's furniture and build a fort. Guard the fort for an entire weekend.

75. Gather up a garbage bag full of leaves and throw them in a pile in his/her room. Jump in them. Comment about the beautiful foiliage.

76. When you walk into your room, turn off your lights. Turn them on when you leave.

77. Whenever you're on the phone and he/she walks in, hang up immediately without saying anything and crawl under your desk. Sit there for two minutes than call whoever it was back.

78. Insist on writing the entire lyrics to American Pie on your ceiling above your bed. Sing them every night before you go to bed.

79. Burn incense.

80. Eat moths.

81. Collect Chia-Pets.

82. Refuse to communicate in anything but sign language.

83. Eat a bag of marshmellows before you go to bed. The next day, spray three bottles of whip cream all over your floor. Say you got sick.

84. Wipe deoderant all over your roommate's walls.

85. Leave apple cores on his/her bed.

86. Don't ever flush the toilet.

87. Hang stuffed animals with nooses from your ceiling. Whenever you walk by them mutter, "You shouldn't have done that to me."

88. Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave "Slim Jim" wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach everytime your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them.

89. Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're back!" as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't you be going somewhere?"

90. Trash the room when your roommate's not around. Then leave and wait for your roommate to come back. When he/she does, walk in and act surprised. Say, "Uh-oh, it looks like, they, were here again."

91. Put your glasses on before you go to bed. Take them off as soon as you wake up. If your roommate asks, explain that they are Magic Dream Glasses. Complain that you've been having terrible nightmares.

92. "Drink" a raw egg for breakfast every morning. Explain that you are in training. Eat a dozen donuts every night.

93. Every Thursday, pack up everything you own and tell your roommate you're going home. Come back in an hour and explain that no one was home. Unpack everything and go to sleep.

94. Every time you wake up, start yelling, "Where am I?!" and run around the room for a few minutes. Then go back to bed. If your roommate asks, say you don't know what he/she is talking about.

95. Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, "It's spreading, it's spreading."

96. Buy a McDonald's "Happy Meal" for lunch every day. Eat the straw and the napkin. Throw everything else away.

97. Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few weeks, start to argue with it loudly. Then yell, "I can't live in the same room with you," storm out of the room and slam the door. Get rid of the plant, but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the plant ever again.

98. Buy a Jack-In-The-Box. Every day, turn the handle until the clown pops out. Scream continuously for twenty minutes.

99. Hang up pictures of chickens all over the room. If your roommate eats eggs, yell at him/her and call him/her a cannibal.

100. Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon...."

101. Bring in potential "new" roommates from around campus. Give them tours of the room and the building. Have them ask about your roommate in front of him/her, and reply, "Oh, him/her? He/she won't be here much longer."

102. Pile dirty dishes in your roommate's bed. Insist that you don't know how they got there.

103. Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.

104. Feign a serious illness for two weeks. Have a priest come to your room and visit you. Write out a will, leaving everything to your roommate. One day, miraculously "recover." Insist that your roommate write out a will, leaving everything to you. Every time he/she coughs, excitedly say, "Oooh, are you dying?"

105. Live in the hallway for a month. Afterwards, bring all of your stuff back into the room and tell your roommate, "Okay, your turn."

106. Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then hide the tarantula. If your roommate asks, say, "Oh, he's around here, somewhere."

107. Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you." Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was.

Later on, say, "Oh, yeah, I remember!" Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.

108. Bowl inside the room. Set up tournaments with other people in the building. Award someone a trophy. If your roommate wants to bowl too, explain that he/she needs bowling shoes.

109. While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.

110. Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, "Hey, where is my sandwich!?" Complain loudly that you are hungry.

111. Punch a hole in the T.V. Sit and watch it anyway, complaining about the poor picture quality.

112. Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, "He just didn't belong."

113. Fill an empty shaving cream can with whipped cream. Use it to shave, and then spray some into your mouth. Later on, complain that you feel sick. Continue this process for several weeks.

114. Cover your bed with a tent. Live inside it for a week. If your roommate asks, explain that "It's a jungle out there." Get your roommate to bring you food and water.

115. Keep a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room. Look at it with fear for a few days. Then stay out of the room entirely, opening the door only a crack and whispering to your roommate, "Psst! Is it gone?"

116. Break the window with a rock. If your roommate protests, explain that you were hot. Open and close the broken window as you normally would.

117. Throw darts at a bare wall. All of a sudden, act excited, telling your roommate that you hit the bullseye.

118. Call your roommate "Clyde" by accident. Start doing so every so often. Increase the frequency over the next few weeks, until you are calling him "Clyde" all the time. If your roommate protests, say, "I'm sorry. I won't do that anymore, Murray."

119. Hire a night watchman to guard the room while you are sleeping.

120. Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.

121. Practice needlepoint every night. At one point, grab your thumb and scream, "Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!" Cry hysterically for a few minutes, and then go to bed. Sob and sniff all night.

122. When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the phone, screaming angrily and shouting obscenities. After you hang up, say, "That was your mom. She said she'd call back."

123. Every time your roommate comes in, immediately turn off the lights and go to bed. When he/she leaves, get up and loudly yell, "Okay, guys, you can come out now."

124. Start wearing a crown, all the time. If your roommate tells you to take it off, say, "What do you think you are? A king?"

125. Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying nothing, doing nothing. Then, look up and say, "I think this game goes a lot faster with two players."

126. Talk back to your "Rice Krispies." All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, "No, I want to watch them suffer."

127. Change the locks on the door. Don't let your roommate in unless he/she says the secret word. Change the secret word often. If your roommate can't guess the secret word, make him/her pay a tithe.

128. Scatter stuffed animals around the room. Put party hats on them. Play loud music. When your roommate walks in, turn off the music, take off the party hats, put away the stuffed animals, and say, "Well, it was fun while it lasted."

129. Hang a tire swing from the ceiling. Act like a monkey. If someone besides your roommate comes in, cease acting like a monkey and claim that the tire swing was your roommate's idea. When you and your roommate are alone again, continue acting like a monkey.

130. Challenge your roommate to a duel. If he/she refuses, claim that you have won by forfeit and therefore conquered his/her side of the room. Insist that he/she remove all of his/her possessions immediately.

131. Sign your roommate up for various activities (Campus tour guide, blood donor, peer tutoring).

132. Start dressing like an Indian. If your roommate inquires, claim that you are getting in touch with your Native-American roots. If your roommate accuses you of not having any Native- American roots, claim that he/she has offended your people and put a curse on your roommate.

133. Wear your shoes on the wrong feet, all the time. Constantly complain that your feet hurt.

134. Instead of turning off the light switch, smash the light bulb with a hammer. Put a new bulb in the next day. Complain often about the cost of light bulbs.

135. Videotape yourself hammering a nail into a wall for a while, and then stopping. Play the tape in your room. Right before the hammering stops on the videotape, look at the screen and say, "Don't do that."

136. Buy a lamp. Tell your roommate it's a magic lamp, with a genie inside it. Spend a week thinking about what to wish for. At the end of the week, report that someone has released the genie from the lamp. Blame your roommate.

137. Whenever your roommate brushes his/her teeth, watch him/her do so. Take notes. Write a paper on it, and circulate it around campus. If your roommate protests, say, "The people have a right to know!"

138. Collect potato chips that you think look like famous people. Find one that looks like your roommate. Burn it, and explain, "It had to be done."

139. When you walk into the room, look at your roommate in disgust and yell, "Oh, you're here!" Walk away yelling and complaining.

140. Put up flyers around the building, reporting that your roommate is missing. Offer a reward for his/her safe return.

141. Buy a watermelon. Draw a face on it and give it a name. Ask your roommate if the watermelon can sleep in his/her bed. If your roommate says no, drop the watermelon out the window. Make it look like a suicide. Say nasty things about your roommate at the funeral.

142. Draw a chalk outline on the floor. When your roommate comes in, say, "Don't worry. It's not what you think." If he/she asks about it again, immediately change the subject.

143. Drink a cup of coffee every morning. When you finish it, gnaw on the mug for about ten minutes. Then, look at your roommate, immediately put the mug away, and quickly leave the room.

144. Paint a tunnel on the wall like they do in cartoons. Every day, hit your head as you attempt to crawl through it. Hold your head and grumble, "Stupid road runner...."

145. Leave memos on your roommate's bed that say things like, "I know what you did," and "Don't think you can fool me."

146. Hold a raffle, offering your roommate as first prize. If he/she protests, tell him/her that it's all for charity.

147. Make cue cards for your roommate. Get them out whenever you'd like to have a conversation.

148. Talk like a pirate, all the time. Threaten to make your roommate walk the plank if he/she doesn't swab the deck. Arrrrrrrrrrrgh!

149. Set up about twenty plants in an organized formation. When your roommate walks in, pretend to be in the middle of delivering a speech to the plants. Whisper to them, "We'll continue this later," while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.

150. Buy a telescope. Sit on your bed and look across the room at your roommate through the telescope. When you're not using the telescope, act like your roommate is too far away for you to see.

151. Watch "Psycho" every day for a month. Then act excited every time your roommate goes to take a shower.

152. Wear a paper hat. Every time your roommate walks in, say, "Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your...Oh, it's just you." Take off the hat, sit, and pout.
153. Go through your roommate's textbooks with a red pen, changing things and making random corrections. If your roommate protests, tell him/her that you just couldn't take it anymore.

154. Leave the room at random, knock on the door, and wait for your roommate to let you back in. If he/she asks about it, go on a tangent about the importance of good manners.

155. Hang a horseshoe above the door. Make up stories about having had good luck. Then, take the horseshoe down and wrap your head in bandages. When you see your roommate, look above the door where the horseshoe used to be, hold your head, and mutter, "Stupid horseshoe...."

156. Carve a jack-o-lantern. Complain to your roommate that the jack-o-lantern has been staring at you. The next day, tell your roommate that the jack-o-lantern thinks he/she has been staring at it. Confide in your roommate that you really don't like the jack-o-lantern, but you can't convince it to move out.

157. As soon as your roommate turns the light off at night, begin singing famous operas as loud as you can. When your roommate turns on the light, look around and pretend to be confused.

158. Hang a basketball net on the wall. Challenge your refrigerator to basketball games, and play them in front of your roommate. Do so for about a month. Confide in your roommate that you think the refrigerator has been taking steroids.

159. Drink lots of lemonade. Talk obnoxiously for hours about how much you love lemonade. Then, one day, paint your face yellow. From then on, complain about how much you hate lemonade.

160. Late at night, start conversations that begin with, "Remember the good old days, when we used to..." and make up stories involving you and your roommate.

161. Whenever your roommate sneezes, go and hide in the closet for about an hour. Look around nervously for the rest of the day.

162. Sit and stare at your roommate for hours. Bring others in to join you. Eat peanuts, throwing a few at your roommate. Then say, "Boy, these zoos just aren't what they used to be."

163. Tell your roommate that your toe hurts, and that means there's going to be an earthquake soon. While your roommate is out, trash everything on his/her side of the room. When he/she returns, explain that the earthquake hit, but only on one side of the room.

164. Buy a lobster. Pretend to play cards with it. Complain to your roommate that the lobster is making up his own rules.

165. Make pancakes every morning, but don't eat them. Draw faces on them, and toss them in the closet. Watch them for several hours each day. Complain to your roommate that your "pancake farm" isn't evolving into a self-sufficient community. Confide in your roommate that you think the king of the pancakes has been taking bribes.

166. Create an army of animal crackers. Put them through basic training. Set up little checkpoints around the room. Tell your roommate that the camel spotted him/her in a restricted area and said not to do it again. Ask your roommate to apologize to the camel.

167. Put out a plate of cookies at night. Tell your roommate that they're for the Sandman. Take a bite out of one of the cookies while your roommate is asleep. The next morning, accuse your roommate of having bitten one of the cookies. If he/she tries to tell you the Sandman did it, insist that you know what the Sandman's teeth marks look like and that those are, in fact, not the Sandman's teeth marks. Grumble angrily and storm out of the room.

168. Steal a tire from a fraternity lawn. Bring it to your room. Bathe it. Name it. Sleep in it.

169. Leave your room and lock the door. Proceed to bang on the door, screaming, "Let me in." Get mad at your roommate for locking you out.

170. Talk on the phone a lot. Don't pick up the receiver.

171. Talk to your roommate but don't let any sound come out. Get mad at him/her for not listening to you.

172. Ask your roommate if Bob, your invisible friend, can stay the night.

173. Ask your roommate if s/he can turn down the music. Explain that Bob has a headache.

174. Constantly slip and fall--on your carpet.

175. Invite the Dean to sleepover.

176. Invite the school President to sleepover.

177. Invite your roommate to sleepover.

178. Let your alarm clock go off and refuse to turn it off. If your roommate commets, pretend not to hear anything.

179. Walk into walls.

180. Every time you take a shower, yell audibly, "I'm melting, I'm melting!"

181. When your roommate has friends over, get under your covers and stare at them through a little hole in the covers. Use a telescope.

182. When you leave the room, put on a screensaver that says, "I'm watching you."

183. Move very stiffly and grin. Tell your roommate that you've turned into Gumby.

184. Study computer science and listen to techno while talking about robots taking over the world.

185. Sleep with a banana (or lemon) and refuse to throw it out even after it rots.

186. Wear a silly hat.

187. Leave lots of pills in your drawer, and walk around like a zombie.

188. Move your bed around the room once a day, and leave it in a new position every night.

189. Lock your door every time you go through it. Tell him/her that youÕre afraid of aliens.

190. Eat raw pasta for dinner.

191. Put bricks in the middle of the room, and explain to him/her that you intend to make a fireplace to save electricity.

192. Write letters to yourself from famous people. Mail them to yourself.

193. Arrange your pillows and blankets every night to make it look like you are asleep. Do this for three weeks. Buy a cantalope and a knife. Stick the knife in the cantalope. Lay it on the pillow where your head should be.

194. Spend hours in your room on personal hygiene. Spend at least an hour a day clipping your nails, another hour combing your hair, yet another hour washing your face and hands, etc.

195. Talk on the phone in gibberish. Use a high-pitched, squeaky tone.

196. Leave strange outgoing messages on your answering machine. Be creative.

197. When your roommate is about to come home, hide in the closet. Five minutes after he gets home, walk out. If he comments, act as if you don't know what he's talking about.

198. Take up cooking. Cook exotic foods from scratch without using any cookbooks or recipes.

199. Come home at three in the morning wearing shredded jeans and no shirt. Dive into the room and under your bed. Tell your roommate that you were being held captive by ten foot soldiers in full battle array.

Things to do on a first day of a college

FUN THINGS TO DO ON FIRST DAY OF CLASS

1. Smoke a pipe and respond to each point the professor makes by waving it and saying, "Quite right, old bean!"

2. Wear X-Ray Specs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to focus the overhead projector.

3. Sit in the front row and spend the lecture filing your teeth into sharp points.

4. Sit in the front and color in your textbook.

5. When the professor calls your name in roll, respond "that's my name, don't wear it out!"

6. Introduce yourself to the class as the "master of the pan flute".

7. Give the professor a copy of The Watchtower. Ask him where his soul would go if he died tomorrow.

8. Wear earmuffs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to speak louder.

9. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.

10. Squint thoughtfully while giving the professor strange looks. In the middle of lecture, tell him he looks familiar and ask whether he was ever in an episode of Starsky and Hutch.

11. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip the pages out of your textbook.

12. Become entranced with your first physics lecture, and declare your intention to pursue a career in measurements and units.

13. Sing your questions.

14. Speak only in rhymes and hum the Underdog theme.

15. When the professor calls roll, after each name scream "THAT'S MEEEEE! Oh, no, sorry."

16. Insist in a Southern drawl that your name really is Wuchen Li. If you actually are Chinese, insist that your name is Vladimir Fernandez O'Reilly.

17. Page through the textbook scratching each picture and sniffing it.
18. Wear your pajamas. Pretend not to notice that you've done so.

19. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters "CHECK YOUR FLY".

20. Inform the class that you are Belgian royalty, and have a friend bang cymbals together whenever your name is spoken.

21. Stare continually at the professor's crotch. Occassionally lick your lips.

22. Address the professor as "your excellency".

23. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he's been drinking.

24. Shout "WOW!" after every sentence of the lecture.

25. Bring a mirror and spend the lecture writing Bible verses on your face.

26. Ask whether you have to come to class.

27. Present the professor with a large fruit basket.

28. Bring a "seeing eye rooster" to class.

29. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, "Vet ozzle haffen dee henvay?" Become aggitated when the professor can't understand you.

30. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard erasers.

31. Watch the professor through binoculars.

32. Start a "wave" in a large lecture hall.

33. Ask to introduce your "invisible friend" in the empty seat beside you, and ask for one extra copy of each handout.

34. When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream "AAAGH! MY EYES!"

35. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name, even it's Smith. Claim that the i is silent.

36. Sit in the front row reading the professor's graduate thesis and snickering.

37. As soon as the first bell rings, volunteer to put a problem on the board. Ignore the professor's reply and proceed to do so anyway.

38. Claim that you wrote the class text book.

39. Claim to be the teaching assistant. If the real one objects, jump up and scream "IMPOSTER!"

40. Spend the lecture blowing kisses to other students.

41. Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write "Signup Sheet #5" at the top, and start passing it around the room.

42. Stand to ask questions. Bow deeply before taking your seat after the professor answers.

43. Wear a cape with a big S on it. Inform classmates that the S stands for "stud".

44. Interrupt every few minutes to ask the professor, "Can you spell that?"

45. Disassemble your pen. "Accidently" propel pieces across the room while playing with the spring. Go on furtive expeditions to retrieve the pieces. Repeat.

46. Wink at the professor every few minutes.

47. In the middle of lecture, ask your professor whether he believes in ghosts.

48. Laugh heartily at everything the professor says. Snort when you laugh.

49. Wear a black hooded cloak to class and ring a bell.

50. Ask your math professor to pull the roll chart above the blackboard of ancient Greek trade routes down farther because you can't see Macedonia.

Funny Quotes

Top Ten Funny Quotes.

1) You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'.

2) Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.

3) I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

4) Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.

5) I was married by a judge - I should have asked for a jury.

6) Never give a sucker an even break.

7) Rarely is the question asked: is our children learning.

8) The more I see of men, the more I like dogs.

9) What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.

10) Work is the curse of the drinking classes.

TWENTY WAYS TO CONFUSE SANTA CLAUS

TWENTY WAYS TO CONFUSE SANTA CLAUS

Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa"

Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.

While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.

Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy." Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa"
Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.

Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.

Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled."

Threaten to sue.

Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.

Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

Quotes of the day

Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage.